A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
33 quotes from Erma Bombeck
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
6 more sayings from Lana Turner
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
73 sayings from Victor Hugo
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
33 thoughts from Erma Bombeck
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
4 wisdom & wit from Jack Benny
I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.
31 more quotes from Gertrude Stein
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
3 other wisdom & wit from Les Dawson
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
9 other quotes from Howard Nemerov
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
2 quotes from Jimmy Durante
Never have more children than you have car windows.
33 more views from Erma Bombeck
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
8 wisdom & wit from Dr. Seuss
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
16 quotes from Henny Youngman
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
105 sayings from Albert Einstein
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
16 wisdom & wit from Henny Youngman
It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
50 wisdom & wit from Robert Frost
My little dog, he did not get ill. It is so funny that people get ill on a boat and dogs do not.
5 views from Anna Held
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
21 quotes from Bette Davis
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
42 more sayings from Josh Billings
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
42 views from Josh Billings
I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.
2 other views from Roy Orbison
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
21 sayings from Bette Davis
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
42 other sayings from Josh Billings
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
42 more thoughts from Josh Billings
A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.
8 other quotes from Bobby Darin
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
13 views from Fred Allen
I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
14 wisdom & wit from Arthur Conan Doyle
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
13 more quotes from Fred Allen
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
13 quotes from Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
13 sayings from Fred Allen
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
30 views from Walt Whitman
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
45 more quotes from Bertrand Russell
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.
13 more thoughts from Fred Allen
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
45 thoughts from Bertrand Russell
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
59 quotes from Elbert Hubbard
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
8 quotes from Paul Lynde
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
8 more thoughts from Paul Lynde
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
11 thoughts from David Ogilvy
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
26 quotes from Frank Lloyd Wright
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
47 wisdom & wit from George Orwell
I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me.
8 quotes from Paul Lynde
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
115 more quotes from George Bernard Shaw
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
35 sayings from Ernest Hemingway
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
18 more wisdom & wit from Don Marquis
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
12 wisdom & wit from Casey Stengel
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
5 other quotes from Red Skelton
Be obscure clearly.
19 thoughts from E. B. White
Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.
18 views from Don Marquis
Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
19 views from E. B. White
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
17 quotes from Calvin Coolidge
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
27 quotes from Dave Barry
It's funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.
9 sayings from Satchel Paige
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
115 quotes from George Bernard Shaw
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
18 other wisdom & wit from Don Marquis
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
27 more quotes from Dave Barry
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
4 other quotes from Natalie Wood
All men are equal before fish.
20 quotes from Herbert Hoover
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
31 sayings from Mae West
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?
14 quotes from Ogden Nash
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
16 thoughts from Samuel Goldwyn
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
31 more quotes from Mae West
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?
18 quotes from Andy Warhol
I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
11 quotes from Lucille Ball
It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
31 quotes from Mae West
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.
22 sayings from William Feather
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
9 other sayings from Alfred Hitchcock
You see much more of your children once they leave home.
11 views from Lucille Ball
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
21 quotes from Laurence J. Peter
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
10 sayings from Robert Benchley
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
19 quotes from H. G. Wells
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
10 thoughts from Robert Benchley
If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.
6 quotes from O. Henry
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
21 sayings from Laurence J. Peter
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
60 views from H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
60 thoughts from H. L. Mencken
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
60 views from H. L. Mencken
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
21 quotes from Laurence J. Peter
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
21 sayings from Laurence J. Peter
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
10 quotes from Robert Benchley
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
10 quotes from Robert Benchley
It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.
4 other quotes from Alan Ladd
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
29 thoughts from Groucho Marx
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
29 other quotes from Groucho Marx
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
29 other quotes from Groucho Marx
Communism is like one big phone company.
5 other quotes from Lenny Bruce
For years I used to bore my wife over lunch with stories about funny incidents.
4 wisdom & wit from James Herriot
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
29 more wisdom & wit from Groucho Marx
It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
24 views from Adlai E. Stevenson
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
5 quotes from Lenny Bruce
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
8 more wisdom & wit from Lewis Mumford
All generalizations are false, including this one.
98 other thoughts from Mark Twain
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
14 other quotes from Hedy Lamarr
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
57 quotes from Will Rogers
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
98 thoughts from Mark Twain
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
57 thoughts from Will Rogers
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
98 other wisdom & wit from Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
98 quotes from Mark Twain
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
57 thoughts from Will Rogers
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
9 quotes from Charles M. Schulz
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
57 quotes from Will Rogers
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
57 quotes from Will Rogers
If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.
57 more views from Will Rogers
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life.
22 more thoughts from Jimi Hendrix
It's funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
22 quotes from Jimi Hendrix
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
74 other sayings from Winston Churchill
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
78 views from Voltaire
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
18 sayings from Margaret Mead
Funny is an attitude.
7 more quotes from Flip Wilson
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
7 sayings from Flip Wilson
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
10 sayings from Frank Sinatra
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
23 other wisdom & wit from Walt Disney
I'm for whatever gets you through the night.
10 quotes from Frank Sinatra
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
8 views from Quentin Crisp
My main point is to be funny if I can slip a message in there, fine.
7 views from Flip Wilson
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
68 thoughts from Samuel Butler
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
14 thoughts from James Thurber
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
4 quotes from Oscar Levant
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
7 quotes from Flip Wilson
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
14 wisdom & wit from James Thurber
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
5 other views from Oliver Herford
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
7 other quotes from Joey Adams
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
14 quotes from William Arthur Ward
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
21 sayings from George Burns
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
24 more quotes from W. C. Fields
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
5 other sayings from Joe E. Lewis
I like children - fried.
24 other wisdom & wit from W. C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
24 quotes from W. C. Fields
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
21 other thoughts from George Burns
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
24 other quotes from Carl Sandburg
If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
6 views from William Lyon Phelps
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
7 more quotes from Tallulah Bankhead
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
21 sayings from George Burns
It's a funny thing about life if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
29 other quotes from W. Somerset Maugham
It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing.
12 quotes from Zora Neale Hurston
One man's folly is another man's wife.
23 sayings from Helen Rowland
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
16 wisdom & wit from Isaac Asimov
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
21 other quotes from George Burns
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
16 quotes from Isaac Asimov
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
5 quotes from Joe E. Lewis
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
21 views from George Burns
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
96 quotes from Benjamin Franklin