I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.