When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.