It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Humor is reason gone mad.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.