The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.