Women should be obscene and not heard.
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Humor is reason gone mad.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.