Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
We have the best government that money can buy.
best, government & money
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
When in doubt tell the truth.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.