When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
When in doubt tell the truth.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
We have the best government that money can buy.
best, government & money
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.