Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
When in doubt tell the truth.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
I never let schooling interfere with my education.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
We have the best government that money can buy.
best, government & money
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.