Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. funny
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself. politics
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. education
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. death & fear
When in doubt tell the truth. truth
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. good
To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. life & success
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. funny
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. humor
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. good
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. humor
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. age
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. death
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare. courage
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before. good
When angry, count to four when very angry, swear. anger
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. intelligence
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. good
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. education & God
Golf is a good walk spoiled. good & sports
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. education
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. time
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. business & good
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. age
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. good & life
Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. hope
We have the best government that money can buy. best, government & money
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. business & time
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. funny
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. anger
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. life
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven. humor
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. God & work
Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. God & work
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. New Year's Day
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. truth
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. best
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. great & mom
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. health
To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. good
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. food, life & success
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. patriotism
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. business & good
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. work
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. politics
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. education
I never let schooling interfere with my education. education
The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. death, fear, life & time
All generalizations are false, including this one. funny
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. good
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't. truth
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. good & sports
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. history
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy. happiness
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense. truth
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape. time
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. imagination
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. God
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this. society
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. love
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one. great
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself. respect
My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water. great
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work. good & work
I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time. time
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. truth
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. motivational
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. great
All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure. success
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. best & money
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. health
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. life
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. courage & fear
The lack of money is the root of all evil. money
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. death
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation. marriage
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. truth
Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. government
Don't let schooling interfere with your education. education
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. age & life
I can live for two months on a good compliment. good
I've never let my school interfere with my education. education
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. success
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided. work
It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races. best
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. forgiveness
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned. education
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. life
Prosperity is the best protector of principle. best
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so. truth
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. God
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes. medical
A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. communication
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. experience
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. truth
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. society
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. government, Memorial Day, patriotism & time
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. humor