Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
I like children - fried.
I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.