Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. food
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. death & hope
I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home. home & New Year's Day
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it. success
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. funny
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. humor & smile
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. best
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. food & travel
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. family, men & women
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink. experience & life
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. women
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. trust
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. money
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. best
I like children - fried. funny
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. politics
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. food & funny
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. great
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. time
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. life
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. money
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? death
No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree. women
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. equality