You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
I like children - fried.
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.