I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.
The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.
One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.
The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.
About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.
As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.
Love looks through a telescope envy, through a microscope.
Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe.
If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.
There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.
Men mourn for what they have lost women for what they ain't got.
If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.
A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.
The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.
Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.
Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.
There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.
Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.
Genius ain't anything more than elegant common sense.