Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later for another thing, they die earlier.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
All government, of course, is against liberty.
Bachelors know more about women than married men if they didn't they'd be married too.
Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body.
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
To die for an idea it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!
Nine times out of ten, in the arts as in life, there is actually no truth to be discovered there is only error to be exposed.
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.
Honor is simply the morality of superior men.
A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
What men value in this world is not rights but privileges.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.
experience, love & women
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
Husbands never become good they merely become proficient.
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one.
It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods.
Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
art, government & science
Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.
experience, men, wisdom & women
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.
We must be willing to pay a price for freedom.
Poetry has done enough when it charms, but prose must also convince.
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.
Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
Time stays, we go.
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.